Rest assured that this is not a post complaining about "baby mama drama" (collective sigh of relief!) So, I have a 5 year old daughter who is my little cutie. And as much as I love her and wanted a baby, I find motherhood to be very challenging. Let me give you a little background.
My boyfriend and I knew we'd want to start a family sometime in the future. I had some medical challenges, so my doctor recommended I take fertility medication to help get my body functioning in a healthy rhythm. So that when we were ready to try for a baby my body would be ready to go. Unfortunately, what ended up happening was an ectopic pregnancy and a number of miscarriages. I was devastated. The losses were a large part of what caused my future collapse.
At this point, we both decided that enough was enough and I stopped taking the medication. This was huge blow because without the fertility meds I was told my chances of getting pregnant were slim at best. Fast forward to 4 weeks later when I'm sick as a dog and unable to get out of bed. I was pregnant! Yay! or no? Well, my relationship, which had always been rocky, was further damaged by the miscarriages and my unrelenting grief. My boyfriend seemed to be able to just move on. I, however, was stuck in a deep hole of mourning. And in those 4 weeks I had packed up my belongings and was intent on moving out of our apartment.
Well, as you probably guessed, I didn't move out. Not only did the new pregnancy inject a bit of lovey dovey excitement back into our relationship, I became abnormally sick with this pregnancy and ended up being diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Hyperemesis is a condition that affects less than 1 percent of pregnant women (so of course I had it, right?) and is characterized by severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss and electrolyte disturbances (you can learn more about this illness at americanpregnancy.org).
Now some of you women out there who are pregnant or have ever been pregnant are saying "everybody gets morning sickness. You just deal with it". But this, my hard-hearted sisters, is not normal morning sickness by any stretch of the imagination. I was so ill that I couldn't eat or drink ANYTHING. In a moment of TMI, I'll share that I couldn't even swallow my own saliva...Yeah.
Long story short, I was put on a feeding tube; contracted a blood infection (sepsis); was advised to abort the pregnancy before the infection killed us both; Refused their retarded suggestion; and went on to have the sickest most horrible 7 months of my life. Imagine throwing up ever 2 hours every day for 7 months! I lost 25 pounds and still had the raging infection in my blood.
But, alas, my dear sweet baby was born. She was 5 pounds 6 ounces, which is huge for a baby almost 2 months premature. I was blessed!
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| Awwwww :-) |
So, after all that hell you'd THINK she'd be a little angel straight from above, right? Well, she's my miracle baby and my angel but her personality is one of the most difficult I've ever encountered. She's incredibly head-strong and has her own way she wants to do things. I will admit that I have spoiled her, having lavished her with about everything her little heart could want :-( And it's not that she's a bad kid or has a bad attitude. I'm just weary now. Weary from all the fighting in my marriage. Weary from picking up the pieces after my breakdown. Weary from the heavy burdens that life continues to pile on my back. And being a mother is not a constant state of bliss. There's bed-wetting, tantrums, laundry, homework, and cooking. There's missing her daddy and not fitting in with friends. And you try telling a 5 year old that she actually doesn't know everything...lol.
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| Ahhhhhhhh! |
Gigi xo
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