False Start!

So, last night I attempted to get back on my nail wagon and paint and design. I was tired and unmotivated. This was how far I got...

#epicfail

But that's okay. I'm just going to crack open the nail polish again and give it another try!

Gigi xo

p.s. why does my thumb look like my index finger?! #creepy

It's Time to Get Real

I'm done moping now. YAY! Thank you for bearing with me as I went through a rough patch. I'm still not 100% but I think it's time to move and get back to the things that make me happy.

Nails and fashion are two things I'm really into right now. So, I will back to creating nail designs with step-by-step instructions on how to recreate the looks. I'll also be posting some new sets from Polyvore and showing you some of my OOTD's. I'm excited and nervous about that, but I think I've learned enough about fashion to put some things together.

And beginning Monday, I will officially be back on the exercise wagon, but with some changes. First, I'm going to state vlogging my weight loss journey. I think it will be great to have you guys to keep me motivated and accountable. And when I say "great" I mean "terrifyingly invasive" lol. I'm also going to be doing healthy recipes and other great tips.

So, if you need to GET IT TOGETHER like me, I encourage you to join my on Monday, 11/18 and begin an exercise regimen. I will be going to the gym and doing a mixture of cardio and weights 4 days out of the week. I will be doing pilates and/or yoga another 2 days week. I did this circuit when I was preparing to compete in a pageant (a whole other life ago) and it really worked. I dropped a little over 60 pounds in about 5 months.!

Unfortunately, I gained it back over a span of about 2 years. But I'm not going to dwell on this. These past two years have been rough. I mean really rough. And to be honest, it's kind of a miracle that I'm alive. So, if I have to work hard again to lose the weight, I will. And I hope you join me!

I think that's it for now. I'm looking forward to getting started. Have a great weekend!

Gigi xo

Photo Booth...

These past few days have been difficult without talking to him. He was such a constant in my life. I'm trying not to be too down about this. If I got over the loss of my husband, this is not harder. But it does hurt.

I've been having difficulty with motivation. In what area, you ask? Every. Single. One. I don't want to do my school work. I've fallen off the exercise wagon, and getting out of bed is a struggle. To be fair, I was struggling before. But there just doesn't seem to be a reprieve from loss. I feel as if I just wait around for the next big hurt to come.

In an effort to get moving, I took my daughter out for some fun. It was a really nice time! We saw Despicable Me 2 while snacking on pizza and popcorn. We walked through the mall and she made a little friend!

We went to the food court and got ice cream. Then se saw it. The Photo Booth. I know you probably don't understand why I say this with such dread. It's just a photo booth. But the whole idea of smiling and pretending to be happy. The florescent lighting. Me wearing no makeup. Yuck!

But I decided I would do it for her. She deserves a present and active mother. Not one so consumed in her own struggles that she misses the precious moments. So I did! No makeup, hair a mess. But I found that it was easy to smile with a little person wrapped around your neck. She was so happy it made me happy. Maybe that's all I have right now. But it's enough.

My baby and me!

Gigi xo

The Art of Letting Go...

...that's the title of Mariah Carey's latest studio album. I found myself immediately drawn to it. Letting go, truly letting go, is one of the hardest things you will ever do. It goes directly against our nature. As humans we want to "save" and "preserve" everything. We do so in photos, diaries, recordings (I wanted to say videos but I would be showing my age!). We do everything we can to hold onto a feeling or a beautiful moment in time.

Unfortunately, we also hold onto all of the bad and ugly. We ball it up tightly and prevent it from ever seeing the light of day. We let it out oh so carefully and in "safe" doses so it doesn't consume us. Like when we cry ourselves to sleep at night or silently weep in the shower. Then we coil the grief tightly within us and continue on, stop and repeat.

I once asked my therapist what I was supposed to do with all of the grief and sadness. I told her that I had run out of places to put it. My soul was literally overflowing. She cocked her head to one side and looked at me strangely. Then she said, "You're not supposed to put it anywhere. You're supposed to let it go."

 

WOW

That's it. "You're supposed to let it go". So I thought and I thought and I came to the conclusion that while the answer was simple, it was far from easy. If more people could just "let it go" this would be a much happier, healthier, safer world. So, when I heard the title of Ms. Carey's album I knew immediately that she had to be on to something. Something big.

Letting go is an art that must be practiced. It takes time, patience, and perseverance.

So, this week I reached an impasse with the guy I'm "not" dating. Things couldn't stay the way they were forever. Eventually, one of us would meet someone and the other party would be kicked to the curb. He loved me in his way but wasn't ready to commit. There was too much hurt that he hadn't let go. I loved him in my way but could never really trust him. There was too much hurt that I hadn't let go.

So, I let him go...

And here's the thing; letting go doesn't feel good. It hurts like hell. So, don't walk around thinking you did something wrong because you're in pain. But maybe in letting go, you'll make room for something bigger and better. Maybe you didn't even know to ask for more because you were blinded by what was in front of you blocking your view.

Today's a great day to practice the art of letting go.

Gigi xo

Therapy...

...Yeah, I'm in therapy. I've been seeing a therapist on and off for about a year now. I think everybody can use a little tune-up in the brain now and then. I can spend all the time and money I want on new clothes, beauty products, and more, but if I don't address what's going on inside, it is all for naught. I've been through a lot; more than some people would believe for my meager 29 years on this earth. And it has taken it's toll. I'm working hard to fix a lot of damage and it's not easy to do.

So, today my therapist asked me to try to find the things my past relationships all have in common. I was stumped. I mean, my exes are about as different as anything could be. They are a melting pot of diversity. They are Irish, Trinidadian, European, Christian, Catholic, Muslim...the list goes on (no, I don't discriminate, do I?!).

But you see, I'm starting to think that may be part of the problem. I have always been an open and loving person. I've found it fairly easy to make friends and I tend to fully immerse myself in them. I give the very best of myself and my expectation is to get it back. I've lived under the assumption that people are good and that they wouldn't want to be my friend if they were up to no good, right? WRONG!

People can be evil. And sometimes it's for no other reason than they just are. I've struggled to accept that fact my entire life. But, I think I finally get it. I fell in love with my ex-husband in the matter of a week. Literally, one week we were friends, the next we were madly, deeply, soul-stirringly in love! It was wonderful...until it wasn't. I got to know him and the deeper we went, the louder the warning bells became. I simply put in ear plugs and plowed through.

I repeated this practice with two relationships after my marriage. The first was a witty and funny guy that I thought was the exact opposite of my ex. The next was a charismatic, family man who said he knew who he was and what he wanted. Now, they both had their own issues but the main thing they all had in common was simple:

I didn't pick them. I just let them happen to me.

All of these men walked into my life and I wasted no time going too deep, too quickly with them. I didn't vet them to make sure they were "safe". I didn't make sure they could be trusted with my love and dedication. I didn't stop to even consider if I really even cared for them. I was just so happy that someone, anyone wanted me. I didn't have the self-esteem to know any better. And that, my friends was the problem. As my sister said, they might be a good person, but that doesn't mean they were a good person for me.

What I've learned is that not every person that walks into your life is meant for you. Sometimes people will stumble onto your path accidentally on their merry way to wherever it is they're headed. They weren't meant to be there. Your paths just intersected for the briefest of moments. If you're smart, you'll acknowledge their existence. Maybe you'll even share a smile or a few laughs. But you must then bid them on their way.

I didn't do that. I grabbed onto the first guy on the path and forced him to walk my path. A path that wasn't meant for them. And if I stopped and thought about was too hard and rocky to be right.

When all is said and done I have this lesson to share:

Never let a man "just happen" to you. Pick him.

Gigi xo

Happy Birthday to...Me

So, last Thursday, Halloween, was my birthday. And as you saw from a previous post, I was hoping the guy I'm "not dating" would come to my celebration at the Cheesecake Factory. Well,....
HE CAME! It was really great that he came all the way from Philadelphia to Virginia. It was so very caring of him!

I had a really nice time with so many of my friends who came out to celebrate with me. I felt very appreciated and loved. We dined, laughter, and made fun of each other. It was really nice. At the end of the night, they brought out a piece of cheesecake with one candle in it. I made a wish and blew it out.

....sure hope my wish comes true.

Gigi xo